PA ‘s Climate Plan

THIS BLOG POST IS SATIRE.paclimateplan

Following the New York Ban on fracking, Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf called it unfortunate and expresses his desire to have his cake and eat it too when it comes to the natural gas industry.

Recently, a severance tax on natural gas was defeated by the industry. The API and IPAA stated “If a severance tax were to be imposed, we’ll just pick up the Marcellus Shale and move it to another state. We have the technology to do that.”

Meanwhile, financially strapped drilling corporations operating in Pennsylvania demanded a bailout or they would pick up the Marcellus Shale and move it to another state.   They have the technology to do that.

Harrisburg legislators, fearing the loss of their jobs should the Marcellus Shale be moved, quickly met in a back room and came up with a bailout.   They would take $12 million from the Alternative Energy Investment Act and put it into a new Natural Gas Infrastructure Development Fund.

The Pennsylvania Climate Change Plan
On December 12, 2015 the participating 195 countries agreed by consensus to the final global pact, the Paris Agreement, to reduce emissions as part of the method for reducing greenhouse gas. In the 12-page document the members agreed to reduce their carbon output “as soon as possible” and to do their best to keep global warming “to well below 2 degrees C”.

Each country would come up with their own plan to achieve these goals.

Pennsylvania has accepted the challenge and leads the nation with a unique and innovative plan that would be like having your cake and eating it too.

Excessive natural gas drilling emissions are contributing to climate change, and as evident by the current winter weather (or lack of) in Pennsylvania the sun is also a source of warming up the planet.

To get rid of the emissions, giant fans would be strategically placed in Pennsylvania to blow the emissions away. To stop the warming, giant umbrellas would provide shade, and thus cooling the air.

“It’s a win-win for Pennsylvania and the world”, said Howie Didit, spokesperson for Fan and Umbrella Producers of America (FU- PA), “it creates jobs, we can still drill baby drill, and reduce climate warming all at the same time. We get our cake and can eat it too. What’s not to like?”

The estimated $600 trillion project will be funded through a 150% increase of income, sales, school, and property taxes.

The original proposal did include imposing an emission tax on the fossil fuel industry to cover the operation costs of the fans; however this was struck from the final version when the industry threatened to pick up the Marcellus Shale and move it to another state. They have the technology to do that.

The first Fan-Umbrella (FU) facility is expected to break ground in early May 2016 in Harrisburg PA.  Harrisburg was chosen as studies have shown it produces the largest amount of hot air in Pennsylvania.

Governor Wolf, and representatives from FU-PA, the natural gas industry and others will be at a ribbon cutting ceremony. Sources closest to Governor Wolf were unable to confirm if there would be cake served at the event.

© 2015 by Dory Hippauf

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